LIaDVp.21: Just as one can not hear a heart-beat in a noisy city

September 15, 2004

Didn’t work again today. Sat around most of the day and read or slept. Took some hardcore naps. Now the asshole Fred who lives across the hall is fucking blaring Jack Johnson with the bass turned all the way up. He’s from Chiloquin, so you know, he’s mentally retarded. There’s a ranger party tonight. I think I’m going because I have to, the season so close to over and all. That and I’m really hungry and I don’t want to drive all the way to the EDR. The theme is pizza and poker. Poker sounds really boring. Pizza sounds pretty damn good right now though. God I don’t want to go by myself though. Shit there’s no more unsettling feeling than showing up at a party alone. I’ll have to get half drunk before I go.

God I’m trying so hard to remember this dream-like memory of reading a passage that described how pain and suffering unlocks the true nature of the world, or the ability to think with true clarity. I was thinking it, because I remembered how long it’s been since I had a real hardcore hangover, like one that has you bedridden all morning and sipping coffee and water in misery all day. I was thinking that part of drinking is probably craving that self-induced pain. Punishing ourselves to make us feel something, even if it is pain. Suffering like an ascetic to get some clarity, even if it is an uncomfortable, sick clarity. Like in a high fever. But shit! I’m struggling with where the passage is from. Just the former part, not the hangover part. I’m thinking it might be Crowley but I can’t place it.

Ha! I found it. Chuck Palahniuk’s "Diary." It’s an ongoing theme.

"It’s so hard to forget pain, but it’s even harder to remember sweetness. We have no scar to show for happiness. We learn so little from peace."

"Their idea is that the visionary must live apart from the normal world , and reject pleasure and comfort and conformity in order to connect with the divine."

"You said how Michelangelo was a manic-depressive who portrayed himself as a flayed martyr in his painting. Henri Matisse gave up being a lawyer because of appendicitis. Robert Shumann only began composing after his right hand became paralyzed and ended his career as a concert pianist. ... Inspiration needs disease, injury, madness."

I wasn’t too far off with Crowley though:

"The main idea is that the Infinite, the Absolute, God, the Oversoul, or whatever you may prefer to call it, is always present; but veiled or masked by thoughts of the mind, just as one can not hear a heart-beat in a noisy city."

Class dismissed.

September 16, 2004

It wasn’t the first time I had been awoken by Dru asking, "Tate, where’s Stan?"

"What? I don’t know. What?"

"Where’s Stan? Is he down here."

"No."

"Yes I am," said Stan, from the floor of my dorm next to a puddle of what probably is his piss.

"Stan, did you wake him up? God, you’re such an asshole! Did you pee on his floor?" Dru said.

"Stan what did you do to my floor?" I was starting to coming to. "And my books? Stan, did you piss on my books?"

"What did you do to your floor? Did you piss on your books?" Stan said back.

I remember being pushed out of my bed very late at night. Stan wants to drink Sake. Says I’m dishonoring the spirit of Sake drinking by being asleep. I don’t want to move, but he’s pushing me. It’s so late, and I’m so drunk and I should be fast asleep but now I’m drinking Sake. I have to start locking my door.

"God Stan, you’re such a fucking asshole," Dru kept yelling.

"Oh shit, I have to go to work!" I realized as things started to fall into place and I noticed that it was 7:30. I usually show up to work at 7:30. "Shit! Thanks for waking me up Dru."

"Stan you peed!" Dru said.

Why is Stan sleeping here? I did a few shots of Sake to appease him and then he made me read "Big Sur" to him as he fell asleep, half on my guest bed and half off. I remember eating noodles with Stan and Dru and ... Rabbit! at the dorm kitchen very late. Rabbit and Stan hugging and Stan asking, "Why did you have to do that?" Dru still not quite ready to forgive Rabbit. Dru mad at everything for some reason, but in a really funny way. Oh shit, she dumped a whole glass of water on top of Stan because she was so mad at him for something.

"Okay, everybody out. I’m late for work. Stan I can’t believe you pissed on my floor."

"I can’t believe you pissed on your floor," he said back.

God I’m still so wasted right now. I have to catch up with everyone at work and pretend to be sober. Rabbit was here. We talked about him moving back in. I told him he was always welcome, and now that he’s made up with Stan and Dru he may do it. We first ran in to him at ... Oh yeah! The ranger party...

I talked Stan and Dru into going to the ranger party. I had just woken up from a serious nap and drank a bourbon and Coke to pull my head together. It was like 6:30 last night and we drank a few beers at their room before packing up some Pabst to go and a couple of bottles of wine. Throughout the night none of these things would have survived our drinking, nor would Goldschlager, some blue margaritas, Crown Royal and a bottle of Sake. All of the 425s (code for interpreter rangers) were there. Kevin, Kira, Jane, Chris. Dana was there. We talked much of the night. Stan even had a heart to heart with Dana. Dru even had a heart to heart with Dana. Jane was dancing. Stan and Kira were dancing. Stan grabbed Kira’s boobs. Rabbit showed up randomly. Kevin was making overt passes at Dana, now that her boyfriend dumped her. She was looking very pretty last night. Homemade pizza and Mexican food. I had a taco with nothing but peppers, onions, salsa and sour cream. I was starving. And increasingly drunk. A Big glass of wine was what started it. Then another. Then a few beers. Then a margarita. Then a margarita with a shot of Crown Royal dumped in. (What?) Then a tug off a bottle of Goldschlager. We were all in the kitchen most of the time. Standing in a circle. "I’m going to miss my 425s."

Understand this was probably the last hurrah with the 425s mostly in attendance. It definitely showed. Like I said, dancing, joke telling, flirting. There was talk of an orgy, but it never panned out. All the girls were going on about how hard up they were. Stan was talking to a researcher named Keith, who everyone was certain is gay. Turns out he’s been with the same girlfriend for 11 years. Stan was like, "Wow, so you’re completely straight? But you have been with guys before right? No? Wow. I’m sorry, I just thought." It was so uncomfortable I had to walk away. When Rabbit showed up randomly it was a little tense, then the apologizing and hugging and kissing started. I had this uneasy feeling that it was sort of teetering on the brink of either being a reconciliation or another drunken argument. I vaguely recall being some sort of facilitator. I vaguely recall a lot of things.

We finally left around eleventy b’glock. I drove very carefully down the short jog from Sleepy Hollow to Mazama. Rabbit came too and did his laundry. Dru was still pissed for some reason. It was like everything was sort of normal with her but she was always upset about something or yelling at Dru. We were still having fun, but she was just angry at everything. We were laughing and laughing at her. She grabbed some noodle packets out of my hands furiously and went to the kitchen to cook them for us, but still angry somehow. Somehow my bottle of Sake made it out. When Stan pushed me out of bed the bottle of Sake was half gone. I don’t know how that happened. I don’t think it was me but I have again, only a vague recollection of going to bed. But together we finished it off before I read some Kerouac to Stan and we passed out and one of us apparently pissed on the floor and partially on several of my books. What a great night.

The next morning I only worked half a day, drunk the whole time mostly. Drove the tractor down to Cleetwood, probably could have gotten a DUI. Too windy to work. Soon the interps will go to their homes, most back to Ashland for school. Jane will stay until the 31st, then I’m going to try to get her to visit Portland. Dana will be volunteering with the Park Service all winter, giving snow shoe tours and working the visitors center. Man that sounds amazing. I’d love to do that. But it really is winding down. It’s really happening. Great last party though.